Please don't actually rely on this to impart any helpful information.
Is it inappropriate to name my laptop?
It's definitely not weird. Right, Stanley? Stanley agrees.
Where can I store my laptop?
Your laptop will be very happy in the dishwasher or in the belly of a whale.
How much of my laptop is edible?
QWERTYUIOP. All delicious.
Can I bathe with my Dell laptop?
Please do! Take pictures!
My friend/family member/spouse wants to use my laptop. Should I allow this?
This is acceptable as long as you tell your friend/family member/spouse what NOT to click on when you pass your laptop to them. Your friend/family member/spouse will respect this warning without question or protest.
Do I have to keep it on my lap?
It should be on your lap at all times. If you struggle to keep it on your lap, consider weight gain.
What else can my laptop do?
Your new Dell laptop doubles as a panini press!
I am lonely. Can my laptop help me to not be lonely?
Your laptop is the best friend you could ask for. It may not be able to hug you, but it can show you pictures of sloths wearing hats. That's much better than a dumb old hug.
What does my laptop eat?
Your laptop loves to eat spent matches and red wine.
Enjoy your Dell laptop!