This is my proudest achievement: my Arris Cable Modem. That's why I nailed it to the wall above my fireplace.
Technology moves so fast, sometimes I can't catch it. But when I do, I hold onto it for as long as I can until it breaks free from my tenuous grasp and scurries off into the hidden corners of life. That's how I got my Arris Cable Modem. It was running across my kitchen floor one night and I nabbed it. Well, first I screamed. That startled it pretty good. But then I remembered my training and jumped with my whole body on top of the Arris. It stung me plenty of times but I held it down firmly. The book says you're supposed to whisper softly to it the whole time, so I did that. I sang it a song. Which just made it angrier. But when I calmly promised to feed it a lot of internet, it eased up a little. I named it Arris Cable Modem. Because that's what was written on it.