kenney9226 wrote:"I just realized that today is 2/4/16! Two squared is four, and four squared is sixteen! 2-4-16, get it? Pretty cool, eh? It's like each number is the squared number of the number before it in the date today. I mean, that's gotta be special or something, right?"
If pie day is something square day should be too!
"My calves got bigger, so things fit better."
Guy #1: "Dude, what happened to your head?"
Guy #2: "Nothing, it's just my birthmark."
Guy #1: "Really? I mean, it looks like somebody just knocked you really hard on the side of your head."
Guy #2: "Nah, I've always had it. I just usually wear a hat."
Guy #1: "Oh. Then why do you shave your head?"
"HOLY COW ARE THOSE THIN MINTS?!"
"What are you cooking? it smells dead."
"When I grabbed it, it was a lot softer than I thought it would be."
"You know I can't bend over, why did you call me over here to ask me that?"
"Well, I had a hemorrhoid surgically removed last week..."
"e.g. is for examples, and i.e. is specific."
"i.e. is pacific."
"Marcus, you continue to be a pain in my ass."
kenney9226 wrote:"Marcus, you continue to be a pain in my ass."
is this the same person who had the hemorrhoid surgery?
"What's THAT you just minimized?!"
"You totally need to start chewing Chick Fil-A ice. It's soft ice."
"Juanita, Kenny's making fart noises with his hands over here."
"Well, that's okay, as long as he isn't actually doing it!"
"I think sometimes he sneaks in some real ones..."
"I used to drink a lot of coffee for the caffeine, but my doctor told me to cut out the caffeine, so I started eating salt & vinegar potato chips instead..."
"Oh, things like this always happen when you can't bend over."
"I really need to pull down my pants."
"I hope you have terrible gas for the rest of the night."
"What do you think would happen first, would I gain a hundred pounds or would I have a heart attack?"
"Mark, am I going to have to bring out the Lysol?"
"Do you want it lean or juicy?"
"Do you even have to ask? Juicy! Please!"
"To the best of my recollection, I have never inappropriately touched a woman's shirt."
"I want to buy a pool boy, so he can bring me pina coladas."
"Thanks for the clarification. I'm glad to know that I was right. Again."
"She ain't gonna learn until they be shootin' her up with insulin at seven months!"
"You two were doing this exact same thing when I came to see you yesterday! She was telling you about her dog and you were putting lotion on your toes!"
"I can plank, and I can do girl pushups, but I can't to regular pushups."
"Let me go use the bathroom, I can handle only so much excitement."
"What's that you're rustling in your pocket? CANDY?"
"This tip isn't wood. It'd be painful, but I'd be able to pull it right out."
"If I wanna do it, I'm gonna do it!"
"Here, give me your hand. Come here, put your hand over here and feel this. It's pretty big, isn't it?"
"Oh, yeah. Wow, that's big. Deep, too."
"Yeah, it's really deep."
"Your double chin isn't nearly as big as you think it is."
"I'm going to the dentist next week, so I guess I'll be flossing this weekend."
"Turns out I just don't like chicken breasts. There's no way I can cook them to make them taste good to me."
"You should absolutely not get a tattoo. Ever. Unless it's one of those moustaches on the side of your finger so you can do that finger moustache thing. That's the only tattoo you should ever get."
"That makes me want to pull my dang old hair out, and I ain't got no dang old hair on my head!"
"Oh, boy, and now I'm getting a hot flash!"
kenney9226 wrote:"Oh, boy, and now I'm getting a hot flash!"
Kenney's been eavesdropping outside my cubicle again!
"Oh, yeah, I can slip it in there."